Monday, June 14, 2010

Prom Night (further explanations)

Too much stress. That's what I'm going to blame it on.

Because, if I hadn't been churned up with worry about how in the heck my Twins are ever going to get into college, and from there, get a job/career, so they can have a life, because, as you may have gathered, neither one actually graduated - which seriously has been, and still is, causing huge amounts of stress for me (and might just be what really should get the blame as the "one too many" thing I was/am trying to juggle...but it's easier to blame the "social life" thing, because that's optional, and therefore disposable), then maybe, just maybe, I could have relaxed and been my better self. (I am not, and I mean this seriously, not blaming the Twins for my lack of social life. Because how I choose to deal with my personal stresses is my problem, not theirs.)

For anyone who has spent any time with me in the last couple of months or so, you're probably thinking, "oh, that's why she was so quiet/withdrawn/unsociable." And that would be true.

I've been weighed down with this since I don't know when, because I've known they were not on track for graduation for a while. It's been hard to behave like a normal person when I have this huge failure staring me in the face.
See, these are my only children. And at my age, as I'm not even dating anyone at this point, I don't expect to have any more children, though I would have loved to have a big family. And would still risk a pregnancy, should I be so fortunate as to 1) meet someone, 2) fall in love, and 3) get married, at any time in the next few years (at 41, I shouldn't even consider it, but I would). At any rate, as these are my only, their failure to graduate from High School means that I have FAILED as a mom. At least as far as instilling a reverence and respect for education and hard work goes. So, as a college graduate, with parents who are not just college graduates, but a professor and a librarian, this has been painful, to say the least. Because if there is one thing this family values (after The Gospel), it's education. Their dad just quit his tenured position as a professor at Uof Wyoming to go back to school, because he's always wanted to. How do they not get how important this is?

Having this failure staring me in the face, it's been hard to be any kind of relaxed or fun person. It's also been really hard to talk about it, with anyone (as previously alluded to here). It's been the one thing I need to talk about, but just couldn't, not in the way that I really needed to. (Except with their dad, somewhat,'s...complicated.)

And you seriously hoped that I'd be able to have social life? With this HUGE problem dogging me every second of my life? Yeah, me, too. I tried to tell myself that it's not actually my problem, it's theirs, and that even if it is my problem, if there is nothing I can do about it right now, I should just set it aside, and come back to it later. My ADD brain doesn't seem to allow that. I tried. I think I had some moments here and there. Just not enough, I guess.

whoa, sorry, that went all serious - and I'm still posting it. go figure.

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